If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or… — Josh Billings Copy Share Image
Had a weird dream last night that I murdered 4 people who unfollowed me on twitter. But woke up relieved to find… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick. — Murray Walker Copy Share Image
“At least you left out the oh-my-God sauce this time." "Made myself a batch with it," Shane said. "It's got the biohazard… — Rachel Caine Copy Share Image
“As a youth I got my jollies by confronting my professors with facts that ran completely contrary to what they were trying… — Lia Habel Copy Share Image
There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because… — Dave Navarro Copy Share Image
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It just seems to me that there's no particular reason comedy albums should be dead. There's a lot to laugh at. We… — Eric Idle Copy Share Image
I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
“Eros mumbled something. "I'm sorry?" said Aphrodite. "Whatwouldjesusdo." "What would Jesus do?" said Aphrodite. "Let me tell you something. Jesus was a… — Marie Phillips Copy Share Image
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Excuse me for a moment, will ye. I think I have to talk to the river,' he said unsteadily and flopped over… — Ian Livingstone Copy Share Image
How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's His Name? We live… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Whenever I see my cat staring out the window I sit behind him and whisper, look Simba, everything the light touches is… — Alex Telman Copy Share Image
“As is perhaps obvious, Morris Zapp had no great esteem for his fellow-labourers in the vineyards of literature. They seemed to him… — David Lodge Copy Share Image
I never know when I am being funny, and the other way too. I don't think you can think about that. I… — Christopher Walken Copy Share Image
It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
When I was in New York, I got to see Joan Rivers do an hour of material, and it blew my mind.… — Chelsea Peretti Copy Share Image
Gas so high...im just start dating females in my zip code...so if we dont stay in the same zip code...we gotta long… — IG:catone_2_funny Copy Share Image
I don't know where we're going or how we'll get there, but when we get there we'll be there - and that's… — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
Billy is a funny, cheeky, lovely boy and I love being with him. Parenthood is terrifying though. I can barely walk past… — Rufus Sewell Copy Share Image
There are very funny people who aren't good at Twitter and people who are really good on Twitter where that's the best… — Josh Gondelman Copy Share Image
If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes.… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
“You just punched a prince, Alina. I guess we can add one more act of treason to our list.” I shook out… — Leigh Bardugo Copy Share Image
“Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?" she asked him, indulging herself and… — Erin McCarthy Copy Share Image
British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for… — Peter Ustinov Copy Share Image
“My second thought was to fire a gunshot, but the last time I did that his security robots jumped me. It only… — John Zakour Copy Share Image
Girls, Don't worry if you're good looking or not, don't complain ifyou're fat or skinny, don't just focus on your physical appearance,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When I die, I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin.… — J. P. Donleavy Copy Share Image
“Called her a whore and attacked her walls, tearing down her posters and throwing her books everywhere. I found out because some… — Junot Díaz Copy Share Image
Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Being hungry and going to a fancy-gourmet restaurant is like being horny and going to a strip club. You are going to… — Brian Skynet Copy Share Image
A lot of people know Dad the musician. We've always known him as Dad - who could be corny, funny, serious at… — Cedella Marley Copy Share Image
The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments… — Jim Harrison Copy Share Image
I think maybe one reason why ventriloquists are looked down on is because it's very difficult to be funny. I think what… — Jeff Dunham Copy Share Image
“She had a knack for relieving the tension in a room by pretending my rudeness away with cooking. Many, many chickens had… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
It's kind of low brow, but the show 'Bob's Burgers' is hilarious, and being from the Midwest, I can kind of relate… — Gracie Gold Copy Share Image
“Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun… — Derek Landy Copy Share Image
I love to swim. When I jump in the water, I feel like I'm 12 years old again. It's really funny how… — Summer Sanders Copy Share Image
