Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat… — David Cross Copy Share Image
If you worshipped Muhammad, know that Muhammad is dead. But if you worshipped Allah, know that Allah never dies. — Yasmin Mogahed Copy Share Image
“Deciding on the right thing to do in a situation is a bit like deciding on the right thing to wear to… — Lemony Snicket Copy Share Image
Relationships are like yard sales, they look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but then you realize its just a… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become.… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
In real life I'm shy sometimes, sometimes I'm romantic, sometimes I can be funny, so it's great to be doing different kinds… — Tahir Raj Bhasin Copy Share Image
“He executed his commission with great promptitude and dispatch, only calling at one public-house for half a minute, and even that might… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“Good, because if the guy isn't making you walk funny after sex, then probably isn't anything to write home to mom about.” — J. Lynn Copy Share Image
“Maggie wasn't without her concerns, though. "What if he's crazy?" "Yeah, that's a definite possibility," he agreed. "What if he's not your… — Con Riley Copy Share Image
Comedy is just an unspoken language. Everybody understands it. Funny is funny. When it's not funny, they'll let you know. — Jo Koy Copy Share Image
My dad never really wrote what he thought. None of his inner rage and darkness and problems, which we all have, made… — Giles Coren Copy Share Image
In every group of friends theres always one idiot, if your thinking we haven't got an idiot friend then it's probably you!! — Dave Mensah Copy Share Image
When I grow up I want to be just like my dog. Walking around fucking bitches... then when I get bored, I… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“Maybe they're not surrendering," said the smirking soldier in false consolation. "Maybe they all just really had to piss.” — Laini Taylor Copy Share Image
Life is Funny. You're here ready to die for someone who doesn't care about you and there's someone out there ready to… — Terry Mark Copy Share Image
I wasn't a class clown, I just found at an early age that I was able to make people laugh. So I… — Alan Zweibel Copy Share Image
The funny thing is that I used to be a blogger, but it wasn't known as 'blogging' at that time. This was… — Om Malik Copy Share Image
“She reached the powder room and shut the door behind her, jumping in fright at the sight that met her gaze in… — Jen Turano Copy Share Image
Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron - cars that had the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Before I was married I learned the difference between a cheap and expensive wine after I was married I learned to drink… — Paul Smith Copy Share Image
If you accept failure, then you can improve on it. It's funny though, because, on the flip side of the coin, I'd… — Subhash Chandra Copy Share Image
“So what, then? Pete? Clyde?" Cabel rolls over, pretending to sleep. "It's Fred, isn't it?" "Janie. Stop." "You named your thing Janie?"… — Lisa McMann Copy Share Image
I am sitting here looking at the most amazing person I have ever seen, smart, funny, caring, and absolutely stunning! Yes, I… — Ash Sweeney Copy Share Image
Woman say:I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. Woman means:I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“It was his wife we objected to. Her name was Leda, but he called her Tip. She was very small and her… — Dashiell Hammett Copy Share Image
L'on a beau se cacher a' soi-me" me, l'on aime toujours. We vainly conceal from ourselves the fact that we are always… — Blaise Pascal Copy Share Image
You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Shh." I squeeze his hand. His palm feels clammy. "We have to keep it down, okay? We don't want my dad coming… — A.G. Howard Copy Share Image
“Irma, she said. But I had started to walk away. I heard her say some more things but by then I had… — Miriam Toews Copy Share Image
There's something about it to me, the feeling of the water, and feeling, I don't know, equal, and like everyone else. Which… — Jessica Long Copy Share Image
I think the problems with comedians that are political, and there are some brilliant ones, are the ones that offer no solutions.… — Kyle Kinane Copy Share Image
“Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?' Minho asked... "Go ahead," Newt replied. Minho nodded and faced the crowd. 'Be careful,'… — James Dashner Copy Share Image
My life is now a constant assessment of whether what's happening in real life is more entertaining than what's happening on my… — Damien Fahey Copy Share Image
You find out in life that people really like you funny. So what do you give 'em? Humor. And then if you… — Terry Bradshaw Copy Share Image
“And tell them what?" Jace said witheringly. "That invisible people are bothering you? Trust me, little girl, the police aren't going to… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the… — Adam Ferrara Copy Share Image
9 out of 10 husbands agreed that their wives are always right.. The 10th husband wasn't been seen since the study was conducted.. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Its funny when you cry over someone when they dont even care if they dont care why should we you know there… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to… — Rowan Atkinson Copy Share Image
![“Deciding on the right thing to do in a situation is a bit like deciding on the right thing to wear to a party. [...] The truth is that you can never be sure if you have decided on the right thing until the party is over, and by then it is too late to go back and change your mind, which is why the…” quote by Lemony Snicket](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/fd4/lemony-snicket-663_funny_deciding-on-the-right-thing-to-do-in-a-s_719897.jpg)
![“He executed his commission with great promptitude and dispatch, only calling at one public-house for half a minute, and even that might be said to be in his way, for he went in at one door and came out at the other[.]” quote by Charles Dickens](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/527/charles-dickens-34_alcoholic_he-executed-his-commission-with-great-pr_935715.jpg)
