When you see someone draining you, your being naturally cuts it off. Yet many times you can be manipulated not to see. — Frederick Lenz Copy Share Image
“But first I had to get through the ironing. It took a lot of patience. I had none. It took forever, and… — Jennifer Echols Copy Share Image
Ive been fortunate to come on places where the question isnt why did I do it? The question to me is always,… — Todd McFarlane Copy Share Image
I love Fidel Castro...I respect Fidel Castro. You know why? A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the… — Ozzie Guillen Copy Share Image
The blonde was always careful to remove her watch before putting on bug spray because she didn't want it to kill the… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“For every guy who loves being a dad, there’s another who realizes too late that he’s created something his wife loves more… — Mark R. Brand Copy Share Image
When your teacher thinks that something she said was funny, and the rest of the class is sitting there like, no. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It is often said that the Japanese are extremely clean at home, or inside any house or office, but dirty and untidy… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
“Ty grabbed my phone and threatened to tell Otter that I liked being spanked during sex. This proceeded to lead up on… — T.J. Klune Copy Share Image
You cannot hope to bribe or twist, thank God! The British journalist. But seeing what the man will do unbribed, there's no… — Humbert Wolfe Copy Share Image
If you're trying to make something funny, and it doesn't feel like you're always getting something, it doesn't have quite a lot… — Ty Burrell Copy Share Image
It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do. — Drew Carey Copy Share Image
I think maybe I became funny because as a kid, I was a Jew in a town of no Jews, and being… — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
Humor was how I got through everything in my life. I used to find a funny way to get out of situations.… — Jermaine Fowler Copy Share Image
My dad has an incredible passion for living life, and he's really, really funny, so he definitely encourages me to enjoy all… — Spencer Grammer Copy Share Image
“I wasn’t afraid of your average dark alley. I had standard Agency-issue spells in my coat and a nine millimeter in my… — J.C. Nelson Copy Share Image
I'm just going to be honest with you. It's hard to go out there and fight for 60 minutes when you're fighting… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it be funny if I were a total nightmare? If I just shot 21-hour days and went over budget? But, you… — Pamela Adlon Copy Share Image
Some of the pictures I must say every now and then I just think are going to be funny. When it gets… — Martin Mull Copy Share Image
All my life I've been terrible at remembering people's names. I once introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was… — Tallulah Bankhead Copy Share Image
Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“It was the first time her eyes had really met mine and to be honest I think there was more warmth between… — Kaal Kaczmarek Copy Share Image
“All I can do is look at him. Up close, I get a better view; there's no denying the fact he is… — Hannah Harrington Copy Share Image
I have a weak stomach. My wife is a doctor, so she finds it funny that I actually pass out when I… — Christopher Denham Copy Share Image
They said dress for the job you want not the job you have, so I dressed like Mr India and didn't show… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Society is composed of two great classes, those that have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners. — Nicolas Chamfort Copy Share Image
We've seen some insane signs: 'Is that a loaf of bread in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?'… — Josh Hutcherson Copy Share Image
“ “Fuck! ” I shouted and everyone at the espresso counter looked over at us. “Half a million dollars?” Lee dropped his… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
“You were spying on me?" I repeated, this time my tone was stern. "Nonsense! I was making sure you were safe." He… — Grace Fiorre Copy Share Image
“The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting… — Weston Locher Copy Share Image
Thanks a lot for coming to my birthday. Let me I almost stretched myself to pick you from home and drop you… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When I started out, everyone seemed to be adopting these names... Johnny Rotten, Sid Vicious. I wasn't really Rotten or Vicious or… — Billy Idol Copy Share Image
The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try… — Jo Brand Copy Share Image
My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They're loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, 'The… — Brendon Urie Copy Share Image
When I first began to write fiction, I didn't think I was a comic writer; I thought I was a serious writer.… — Anthony Burgess Copy Share Image
Given the current state of publishing, I think it helps to have a brand name on the cover of your book. Comedians… — Michael Showalter Copy Share Image
During a test when the teacher passes by, you cover your answers with your hand so that the teacher cant see how… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
