Guy says: Hey wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, its too long. Girl says: Wanna hear a joke about… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
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We think there is a parallel between federal involvement in education and the decline in profit over recent years. — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
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The funny thing is, I've never really hurt myself in an action movie. I've done 'Wanted,' 'X-Men,' 'Welcome To The Punch,' even… — James McAvoy Copy Share Image
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I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
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Some nights I'm funny with the between-song commentary, some nights I'm not. I have no control over this. I pace the stage… — David Berman Copy Share Image
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The funny thing is, we teach - as a culture, we teach people that it's OK to talk about your fitness goals...… — Karamo Brown Copy Share Image
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? — Pacifiersucker Copy Share Image
It sometimes takes days, even weeks, before a dog's nerves tire. In the case of terriers it can run into months. — E. B. White Copy Share Image
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Lars von Trier makes funny, radical movies, some packing power. But, he's not a provocateur. He's making adult movies for an adult… — Gaspar Noe Copy Share Image
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It’s one thing to see yourself going across the ticker…But to take someone else down, that’s another. I really can’t even explain… — Brandon Marshall Copy Share Image
I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
True love. When wife pulls her husband, whos fully drunk, to bed & tries removing his shirt & husband replies- LADY¦ LEAVE… — AaRon CcHan Copy Share Image
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Son of Lady Chatterley's Lover had obvious commercial advantages (as a title for this book), but it impugned the marital status of… — Jack Paar Copy Share Image
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On his daughter's diaper: There was so much poop. It didn't look like a baby's poop. It looked like a 55-year-old alcoholic… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
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