Twitter, to me, works if you're funny. Twitter doesn't work as a promotional tool unless you do it very, very, very occasionally. — Albert Brooks Copy Share Image
Its funny when the one you love hurts you and expect for you to go crazy and be miserable... But in the… — Veronica Rara Lorenzo Copy Share Image
“Be ready at seven and I'll take you to dinner first." "First?" Just because I asked, didn't mean I plannedto go. I… — Amber Kell Copy Share Image
“Please ejaculate", I silently urged the man, "so I can go to sleep". (In this way I imagine I was like millions… — Jon Ronson Copy Share Image
Summing it Up..."Where's a good place for dinner?" I asked. "There's the Brasserie Lipp on the Avenue St. Germaine," she said, "or… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The question who ought to be boss is like who ought to be the tenor in the quartet? Obviously, the man who… — Henry Ford Copy Share Image
It's funny, because in 1970 I met the Beatles quite by a chance at a party. It was the Beethoven bicentenary, and… — Daniel Barenboim Copy Share Image
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
“Well, anyway, this'll be easier than knocking an elf out of a tree. Trust me.' 'How many elves have you knocked out… — Ian Livingstone Copy Share Image
Were having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, were having a swan. You get more stuffing. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A beautifully constructed borshch, such as you are going to experience presently, ought not only to banish conversation but almost to annihilate… — Hector Hugh Munro Copy Share Image
I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Whoever did my mo-cap for Stardust watched my very first entrance and nothing else, because I never did half the stuff ever… — Cody Rhodes Copy Share Image
For most of my life, I did not feel self-conscious about being short. If anything, I looked at it as like a… — Quinta Brunson Copy Share Image
Almost 1 whole year on SQ!!:) (1 yr in January) This is a picture from earlier in the year:) I miss the… — Rachel Copy Share Image
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
In the happy scenes there were really fun times. Sean would say really funny stuff because he likes to improv. I would… — Dakota Fanning Copy Share Image
Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Did you know if you say Fuck Me 3 times in the window at 1 am your wife will tell you to… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Our Constitution is in actual operation; everything appears to promise that it will last; but in this world nothing is certain but… — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
Women love a nice guy with a sense of humor. To cheer them up when their douchebag boyfriend cheats on them again.… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
You never agree with any one candidate 100 percent. I don't agree with myself 100 percent. You don't even agree with me 100 percent. — Rudy Giuliani Copy Share Image
“Bugger off kitty!" - Ryou "But before we begin this duel to the death, I have just one question. Could I get… — Little Kuriboh Ryou and Melvin Copy Share Image
Just 'Hear' This!!!! There was a Deer, Whose ear sensed a Bear, Deer froze with fear, Bear came near. Negotiated Deer, Dear… — Mohit Sharma Copy Share Image
“I have a secret. A big, fat, hairy secret. And I’m not talking minor-league stuff, like I once let Joseph Applebaum feel… — Karen MacInerney Copy Share Image
“Unlike Tania, who was so slim, Rykoff looked as if he'd been given an order to get fat--an order he had been… — Henning Mankell Copy Share Image
It's a funny thing, my relationship with Deep Purple. I already felt the pain and confusion of trying to replace Ritchie Blackmore,… — Joe Satriani Copy Share Image
IMPOSSIBILITIES OF THE WORLD: ~You can't count your hair~ ~You can't wash your eyes with soap~ ~You can't breathe when your tongue… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think that because I struggled and did get very bullied, that definitely made me learn how to be funny and let… — Jonathan Van Ness Copy Share Image
How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to… — Tom Duff Copy Share Image
So what I do now is to pre-empt that by making the up into a virtue, and telling funny stories about how… — Emily Mortimer Copy Share Image
“(…) Trying to think of how to take the least crowded ways to class, so the least amount of people will stare… — Keary Taylor Copy Share Image
I just said, casually, 'You know, I passed up on auditioning for Einstein.' And my friend was like, 'You idiot, you have… — Johnny Flynn Copy Share Image
There was a moment in time when we were filming in London, and we thought someone stole one of the queen's wigs.… — Emma Corrin Copy Share Image
I have a crush on Steve Tyler. He's funny, he rocks, and has a voice like a god. There is another one… — Lulu Copy Share Image
The first time I passed through the country (Switzerland) I had the impression it was swept down with a broom from one… — Ernesto Sabato Copy Share Image
“I stared at MacFinn for a long moment. I believed that he was telling me the truth. That he didn’t have much… — Jim Butcher Copy Share Image
I'm always fascinated by the dedicated monitors in a hospital. Non-standard cables, funny button shapes, odd LED colors, and lots of extra… — Brad Feld Copy Share Image
“Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
