I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this… — Bill Hicks Copy Share Image
Teacher: Please go to page 364 in your text book. Random kid in the back: HOLY CRAP I JUSTFLIPPED RIGHT TO THAT… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Go home and prosper. In other words, go home and f*&% yourself. Sorry, that was mean, but you have to admit, it… — Christopher Timmerman Copy Share Image
“Hey!” He snapped out of his musings as Destiny’s hand trailed down his body to cup his less than interested cock through… — Jane Cousins Copy Share Image
“Approaching the forest from the west was no army, but a delegation of Grailsundanian master surgeons on their way to an appendix… — Walter Moers Copy Share Image
“Don't even think of arguing with me. I'm an old woman and if you fight me about it, it could give me… — Sara Taney Humphreys Copy Share Image
My mum and dad are both really funny. My granddad's really funny. My uncle's really funny. Everyone's really funny. You have to… — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
The likelihood of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction-giver says, 'You can't miss it'. — Hal Roach Copy Share Image
I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
“Most human beings would have never been pained by the death of a human being if they had never seen a human… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“I pat her on the head. "Oh, naive little Kitten. Dear, foolish girl. This cookie is worth all this and more. Sit… — Jenny Han Copy Share Image
Comedy is the slave of time. What seemed funny then is unlikely to seem funny now, just as what strikes us as… — Craig Brown Copy Share Image
I like doing comedy, I like doing drama. Naturally I like to do, I like doing dramas, I like conflict, and when… — Matt Dillon Copy Share Image
“For a beverage, you asked for some “cherry-assed Kool Aid.” Okay, now you’re just adding “assed” in places where it doesn’t even… — Colin Nissan Copy Share Image
Journeys start from where we are. Everything starts from where we are. Where we are is where we're supposed to be. — Evelyn Eaton Copy Share Image
“His appearance projected danger and reinforced the common knowledge that one did not want to piss off a demon, especially this one.” — Kiersten Fay Copy Share Image
Trains are not any more energy efficient than the average automobile, with both getting about 48 passenger miles to the gallon. — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
Legend tells of a legendary warrior whose kung fu skills were the stuff of legend. He traveled the land in search of… — Po - The Dragon Warrior Copy Share Image
How am I supposed to grow up and make life choices when I still use my fingers to count, and I still… — Slowly_fading Copy Share Image
This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis,… — Kevin Garnett Copy Share Image
In my film "Benny's Video," I depicted violence but I failed to say all that I had to say, so I wanted… — Michael Haneke Copy Share Image
“Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt, and Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a quarter share in my little dog.” — Ernest Thompson Seton Copy Share Image
“I feel like I’m going to die,’ he says. ‘Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?’ ‘Only if you… — Doug MacLeod Copy Share Image
I had one guy say, 'I watched your show and didn't agree with what you said.' And I'm like, 'It's a joke.… — Carlos Mencia Copy Share Image
Whether it's an innate ability or an acquired way of regarding the world around us, being labeled as funny can only be… — Alan Zweibel Copy Share Image
Just saw a homeless guy buy a cup of coffee, drink it, then use the cup to beg and make his money… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's… — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns?… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Human Brain is amazing. It functions 24 hours for 365 days. It functions right from the time we were born and only… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants — Dave Beard Copy Share Image
Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why three? Husband: 4 u and your parents. — A Josland Copy Share Image
“Rose's work of art took her all day, including two playtimes, story time, and most of lunch. At the end of school… — Hilary McKay Copy Share Image
I see no difference between my pictures that people consider amusing and the rest. To me, it's all serious work - they're… — Elliott Erwitt Copy Share Image
“I’d never heard of a rain check before, but hoped it was something storm rescuers bought bags of souvenirs for their kids… — Amber McRee Turner Copy Share Image
Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
