What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never had money for anything. But I tell you what did really work - books. Between the covers of those books… — Benjamin Carson Copy Share Image
Where are my sensations? They have melted into... me, and what is this me, this self, but the sum of these evaporated… — Emile M. Cioran Copy Share Image
“I’m just glad you didn’t die while we were gone,” Brent said. “He’d be so pissed. And you know, you’d be dead.… — Bree Despain Copy Share Image
“He's all right. His hair is cute." Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. " Oh my God, you're in… — MaryJanice Davidson Copy Share Image
And it is only the woman who cheers her husband through lifes thick and thin, good and bad situations and stands firmly… — Mak_786 Copy Share Image
Dear Boys, Until you start having periods, babies, and watching the one you love be with someone else, you're not as strong… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
There are so many funny people and so many talented people, but the one thing nobody else has is my take on… — Ross Mathews Copy Share Image
I make up random funny weird quotes but they are allways duplicates in some way wtf... thumbs up if it happens to… — Drew Fonner Copy Share Image
“It was a little difficult to take him seriously when he sang along to a song about a woman taking another woman's… — Holly Hood Copy Share Image
“I’m not going to fucking calm down. I’m going to hunt that bastard down and murder him.” “Oh fuck,” Hank rocked back… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
“Warren returns from his room and sits back down at the table. "I walked away for dramatic effect," he says. "I wasn't… — Colleen Hoover Copy Share Image
A girl only needs three things in her life: love to make her weak, alcohol to make her strong, and friends to… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
There are many things that are perfectly legitimate, but if you are going to concentrate on God you cannot do them. — Oswald Chambers Copy Share Image
“Matias frowned. Damn, he’d had a vision of this gorgeous woman naked? He hadn’t thought he could despise his memory loss any… — Jane Cousins Copy Share Image
There is so much more than that little space from 14 to 40. And if you cut that off and begin to… — Rene Russo Copy Share Image
“In some cases, you can tell how somebody is being treated by their own boss from the way they are treating someone… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Oh. My. God.’ she said, pointing out of the window. ‘Do you know what that is?’ I nodded and said, ‘I think… — Frank Cottrell Boyce Copy Share Image
You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, 'My God, you're… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop until you get… — Robert Frost Copy Share Image
Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I loved playing Sweetie in 'Mubarakan.' It was chaotic and funny; it was sort of a magnum unfold in a chaotic way. — Ileana D'Cruz Copy Share Image
They say women love surprises but come out from under her bed yelling surprise! & you get arrested & sent to prison. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Cheech and I used to call ourselves musicians; we never called ourselves comedians. We were musicians that were funny. — Tommy Chong Copy Share Image
Most kids: I like to drink and smoke weed. Me: When it's cold out I like to breathe heavily and pretend I… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I like to be able to feel as many parts of myself while watching a movie at one time. I think that's… — James Gunn Copy Share Image
“We’re adults. I might be a little more of an adult if you’re counting years but I bet I have a lower… — Robyn Carr Copy Share Image
You can always win an argument with a lady during your last few minutes of your life by telling her that she's… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“From: Beth Fremont To: Jennifer Scribner-Snyder Sent: Thurs, 09/30/1999 3:42 PM Subject: If you were Superman … … and you could choose… — Rainbow Rowell Copy Share Image
“I got mixed up with some oddness in my youth, and the long and short of it is that I can't shuffle… — Jasper Fforde Copy Share Image
I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay.… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'd love to get into some comedy, but people keep saying, 'You're not funny!' And I say, 'Well, fair enough.' I have… — Ciaran Hinds Copy Share Image
“Gone are the days when the old country doctor would drive out to your house and amputate your infected leg for a… — Cuthbert Soup Copy Share Image
You know, the funny thing about awards - some people are, like, 'Well, it does validate the quality of the work or… — Jamie Hector Copy Share Image
Watching football is like watching pornography. There's plenty of action, and I can't take my eyes off it, but when it's over,… — Luke Salisbury Copy Share Image
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up… — Bill Watterson Copy Share Image
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
