Bob Monkhouse

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

— Bob Monkhouse

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

— Bob Monkhouse

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

— Bob Monkhouse

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

— Bob Monkhouse

What do gardeners do when they retire?

— Bob Monkhouse

I got my start in silent radio.

— Bob Monkhouse

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

— Bob Monkhouse

I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!

— Bob Monkhouse

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

— Bob Monkhouse

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

— Bob Monkhouse

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

— Bob Monkhouse

I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.

— Bob Monkhouse

“They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.”

— Bob Monkhouse

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says,…

— Bob Monkhouse

“People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now.”

— Bob Monkhouse

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

— Bob Monkhouse

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

— Bob Monkhouse

I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that…

— Bob Monkhouse

I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something…

— Bob Monkhouse

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up…

— Bob Monkhouse

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper…

— Bob Monkhouse

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that…

— Bob Monkhouse

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather…

— Bob Monkhouse

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

— Bob Monkhouse

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

— Bob Monkhouse

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.

— Bob Monkhouse

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

— Bob Monkhouse

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

— Bob Monkhouse

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

— Bob Monkhouse

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

— Bob Monkhouse

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

— Bob Monkhouse

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

— Bob Monkhouse

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

— Bob Monkhouse

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

— Bob Monkhouse

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

— Bob Monkhouse

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

— Bob Monkhouse

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

— Bob Monkhouse

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would…

— Bob Monkhouse

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

— Bob Monkhouse