My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
In order to be happy you need a good dog, a good woman, and ready money. — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
I'm a funny guy. You've got to be able to make fun of yourself. We only live once. — Jon Pardi Copy Share Image
I've always loved The Simpsons, just because it was really, really funny. As a kid, you love the characters. You know that… — Alex Hirsch Copy Share Image
“You should go.' 'This is my room,' he points out, affronted. 'And that's my wife.' 'So you keep telling everyone,' the Bomb… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know… — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
“Wow." Josh stopped and ran a hand over his shaved head. "I mean, yeah, there's no beating that. That's the Usain Bolt… — Tom Ellen Copy Share Image
Catholic school graduates exhibit a wide variety of qualities that will not only help them in their careers but also in their… — Joe Baca Copy Share Image
“You and pretty Tarquin had a moment today. Do you truly think he'll join us?' 'If you mean in bed, definitely not,'… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
“Merrill Krause - "My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me." Granny Lassiter… — Tracie Peterson Copy Share Image
Dogs who chase cars evidently see them as large, unruly ungulates badly in need of discipline and shepherding. — Elizabeth Marshall Thomas Copy Share Image
I'm drawn to failure. I feel that I'm contending with it constantly in my own life. — Joyce Carol Oates Copy Share Image
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Genius takes time, but stupidity can be achieved in a heart beat, and usually is. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Research tells us that fourteen out of any ten individuals like chocolate. — Sandra Boynton Copy Share Image
I have spent most of my life unlearning things that were proved not to be true — R. Buckminster Fuller Copy Share Image
I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
You can find tea in a tea cup.. but cannot find world in a world cup. — Arjuna Ranatunga Copy Share Image
Always keep your best of friends happy you never know when you might need a smile :) — Marion Reinemann Copy Share Image
To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
A detective on the drug detail developed seizures. He is a narcoleptic. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Marriage is give and take. Youd better give it to him or shell take it anyway. — Azgraybebly Joslan Copy Share Image
Playing poker in their Quonset hut on Tinian, killing the last hours of the preatomic age. — Peter Goldman Copy Share Image
I'm glad the slower summer pace at work gives us more time to complain about work — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It is the focus on the highest ideal day after day that saves life from being wrapped up in small whirlwinds. — Maharishi Mahesh Yogi Copy Share Image
Eliminate the Diaspora, or the Diaspora will surely eliminate you. — Ze'ev Jabotinsky Copy Share Image
Dreadful experiences raise the question whether he who experiences them, is not something dreadful also. — Friedrich Nietzsche Copy Share Image
