I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

— Gilbert Gottfried

With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow…

— Gilbert Gottfried

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

— Gilbert Gottfried

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

— Gilbert Gottfried

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

— Gilbert Gottfried

I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is…

— Gilbert Gottfried

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

— Gilbert Gottfried

I remember being at the premiere of 'Beverly Hills Cop II' and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party…

— Gilbert Gottfried

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

— Gilbert Gottfried

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.

— Gilbert Gottfried

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

— Gilbert Gottfried

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.

— Gilbert Gottfried

I found out about Jonathan Winters death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The…

— Gilbert Gottfried

There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's…

— Gilbert Gottfried

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

— Gilbert Gottfried