There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny…

“I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a…

— Fred Allen

“(Faces are all important. Without faces it would be impossible to identify our friends. If we had to recognize people by their bodies, we…

— Fred Allen

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

— Fred Allen

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

— Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

— Fred Allen

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

— Fred Allen

Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.

— Fred Allen

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

— Fred Allen

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help…

— Fred Allen

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

— Fred Allen

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

— Fred Allen

When a radio comedian's program is finally finished it slinks down Memory Lane into the limbo of yesteryear's happy hours. All that the comedian…

— Fred Allen

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

— Fred Allen

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make…

— Fred Allen

My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.

— Fred Allen