Funny Quotes · Page 845

There has never been an age that did not applaud the past and lament the present.

— Lilian Eichler Watson

Funny how the one you'd take a bullet for is sometimes the one pulling the trigger.

— Anonymous

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

— Noel Fielding

Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.

— Josh Billings

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

— Rodney Dangerfield

“That's easy," Russell said. "Because everybody else in this here place is crooked as a dog's hind leg. ...”

— Les Standiford

Don't solve all your problems today. Be sure to avoid or ignore them later!

— Green Monk

The most real of all splendors are not in outward things, they are within us.

— Honore de Balzac

A hilarious academic novel that'll send you laughing (albeit ruefully) back into the trenches of the classroom. . . . [A] mordant…

— Maureen Corrigan

“Anything else you want to discuss before we begin?” “Who cuts your hair? You should run them through with their own thinning…

— J.A. Rock

'Adulting' will cover some topics that I, as a young woman, constantly think and worry about, so I hope others find it…

— Emily Atack

It's funny shooting movies because you get to see clubs during daylight hours, which no one should ever see - it's not…

— Gillian Jacobs

Well, I hope before Glenn goes, he'll come up here so we can give him a big hug and a kiss, because…

— Jerry Coleman

“The more you talk about it, rehash it, rethink it, cross analyze it, debate it, respond to it, get paranoid about it,…

— Shannon L. Alder

Our fan of the week is... Daisy Alejandra! Congratulations í. To get picked as our next fan of the week, post on…

— Anonymous

'Playing House' works because we're being supremely honest to what we think is funny and not what we think other people think…

— Lennon Parham

Never put off until run time what you can do at compile time.

— David Gries

We are an integral part of beauty, not something separate.

— Dewitt Jones

I remain convinced that pardoning Nixon was the right thing to do.

— Gerald R. Ford

Ah, the things we would do if we could — especially in the secure knowledge that we can't.

— Robert Breault

Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too.

— Lionel Kauffman

“All I could do was laugh, but it wasn’t funny. I find it incredibly sad to be tickled by an orphan.”

— Jarod Kintz

We don't have to start all over again and try to keep the slate clean. There is no more slate.

— Jerry Bridges

I don't think any writer is a friend to the reader if he or she is not funny.

— Amitava Kumar

I can't choose how i feel. But i can choose what I do about it.

— Andy Rooney

O love, how did you get here? --Nick and the Candlestick

— Sylvia Plath

Whatever follows 'I AM' will always come looking for you!

— Joel Osteen

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

— Henny Youngman

The Eucharist is everything, because from the Eucharist, everything is

— Peter Julian Eymard

I was going to do something today but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

— Anonymous

The clown is an image of us, he is disguised under a funny face, pretending to be happy.

— Efiosiugbore Adebayo

“The girl may have been tiny, but everything about her said, I'm not scared of you, so piss off. ”

— Christine Manzari

Unlike Prince William, you can be sure no one will marry you for fame, fortune, or royalty.

— Anonymous

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

— Marc Maron

Music Has Been There For Me When No One Else Was And The Only Thing That Stays When Everyone Else Leaves

— Kid Cudi

I'm sure I'll enjoy your wedding despite not enjoying any other wedding I've ever been to.

— Anonymous

Why do dogs love their daily walks? They get to check their p-mail!

— Nikhil Saluja

Our possessions don't own us any more, because we don't possess them.

— Dan Davis

“Some people avoid thinking deeply in public, only because they are afraid of coming across as suicidal.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The only place you will be accepted is the place you make for yourself.

— Holly Lisle