The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on the throttle. — Bob Varsha Copy Share Image
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
You can only be funny if you have matters of great importance on your mind. — Kurt Vonnegut Copy Share Image
Mom (on computer): do I click this? You: No! What are you doing? just give me the computer, I'll do it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Do not say, ‘You are bad’; say only, ‘You are good’, but be better! — Swami Vivekananda Copy Share Image
How hasn't someone invented a smoke detector that can tell the difference between blazing inferno & toast?!? — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
I hate how chocolates immediately melts on my fingers.. I mean... Damn, am I that hot? — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“Warren returns from his room and sits back down at the table. "I walked away for dramatic effect," he says. "I wasn't… — Colleen Hoover Copy Share Image
“Matias frowned. Damn, he’d had a vision of this gorgeous woman naked? He hadn’t thought he could despise his memory loss any… — Jane Cousins Copy Share Image
“In some cases, you can tell how somebody is being treated by their own boss from the way they are treating someone… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
There is so much more than that little space from 14 to 40. And if you cut that off and begin to… — Rene Russo Copy Share Image
A girl only needs three things in her life: love to make her weak, alcohol to make her strong, and friends to… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
There are many things that are perfectly legitimate, but if you are going to concentrate on God you cannot do them. — Oswald Chambers Copy Share Image
They say women love surprises but come out from under her bed yelling surprise! & you get arrested & sent to prison. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“Oh. My. God.’ she said, pointing out of the window. ‘Do you know what that is?’ I nodded and said, ‘I think… — Frank Cottrell Boyce Copy Share Image
When you listen carefully to the soundscape it becomes quite miraculous. — R. Murray Schafer Copy Share Image
By George!" cried the inspector. "How did you ever see that?" Because I looked for it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When someone let you go first and said, ladies first, say bitches follow — Green Monk Copy Share Image
There's something darn funny about an old librarian with a potty mouth. — Patrick Carman Copy Share Image
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You do bad things for no reason. You do them to be a d**k... if you're gonna be bad, be bad with… — Damon Salvatore Copy Share Image
Holding her hand in public is just another way of saying you'reproud to have her. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself." — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you'd form some idea of what unrequited affection is. — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
My mother married a very good man ... and she is not at all keen on my doing the same. — George Bernard Shaw Copy Share Image
To hear something asks very little of us. To listen places our entire being on notice. — Terry Tempest Williams Copy Share Image
What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of high living. — Doug Larson Copy Share Image
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals. — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
So actually, there could be parents-of-the-parents-of-the-parents-of-the parents? — Lois Lowry Copy Share Image
Sometimes when my internet is down I forget the rest of my computer still works… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
