Funny Quotes · Page 828

There are so many scams on the Internet now...Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

— Anonymous

Even as a kid I was never the generator of humor, but I always knew who was funny, who to hang out…

— Andrew Stanton

We do not describe the world we see, we see the world we can describe.

— Rene Descartes

I find it hard living in a day and age where people are unwilling to accept who they really are.

— Matthew Lotti

When you were the line leader in elementary school: You are all my bitches now.

— Anonymous

If flirting is your way to be funny then why you find it odd, if others do to you??

— Bhargavi

It's tough to get out of bed to do roadwork at 5 am when you've been sleeping in silk pajamas

— Marvin Hagler

A funny thing happens in real estate. When it comes back, it comes back up like gangbusters.

— Barbara Corcoran

“The Brit's face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It's a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that…

— Brett Tate

[Arnold Schwarzenegger] is funny. Some great one-liners, some great banter between him and the contestants [on "The Apprentice" ]. And he's good!

— Boy George

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that…

— Fran Lebowitz

I went to school, majored in theatre, and said 'Mom, I have to choose my own destiny. I want to be an…

— Arsenio Hall

Every photograph is the photographer's opinion about something. It's how they feel about something: what they think is horrible, tragic, funny.

— Mary Ellen Mark

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other…

— Henny Youngman

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that…

— Kristen Schaal

Never mock fat people; their lifeis nothing less than a punishment. How are they livingin this condition? Only their God knows better!

— Mohd Aariff Khan

The sexual tension bus drivers have, as they pass another bus driver.

— Amber Rose Whitaker

I don't know what the f--k I'm talking about with parenting.

— Felicity Huffman

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

— Rita Rudner

“For in the forest someone is always watching and someone is always listening!”

— Nancy B. Brewer

I'm bored so leave me questions,and I will post tons of quotes and pictures tomorrow asdfghjkl; bye

— Anonymous

“Quote: a banal proverb that is considered profound when uttered by a celebrity.”

— Bauvard

Don't ever be someone you're not. We are all that we are, so why try to change that?

— Shannon Leto

Life is a comedian, never take it too seriously. Live, Love, Laugh

— Collins Hasty

I wish you'd appear in my bed as often as you appear in my News Feed.

— Anonymous

You're the man I want our children to spend their weekends with.

— Anonymous

Forever Alone; When you play 'rock, paper, sissers' by your self!

— Anonymous

Every day we are changing, every day we are dying, and yet we fancy ourselves eternal.

— St. Jerome

I try to play serious scenes a little funny and the comedy a little serious.

— Uzo Aduba

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.

— Lenny Bruce

Give me a kiss, and to that kiss a score: Then to that twenty, add a hundred more.

— Robert Herrick

Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?

— Jerry Seinfeld

Man who stand on hill with mouth open will wait long time for roast duck to drop in.

— Confucius

I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.

— Dylan Moran

But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people.

— Kathy Griffin

It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.

— Yogi Berra

If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business.

— Samuel Goldwyn

Every time I come in the kitchen u in the kitchen, in the damn refrigerator eating up all of the food.

— Celeste Hartman

I never have sought the world; the world was not to seek me.

— Samuel Johnson

You can talk any redneck into a challenge. That’s why so many rednecks die in strange ways.

— Jase Robertson