Funny Quotes · Page 817

Dont ever wrestle with a pig. Youll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.

— Anonymous

If Someone Says You Are Not Looking Good. . . . . . . . . Just Say. , Excuse Me. . I am Not Your Mirror

— Anonymous

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

— Craig Ferguson

Let us not decide what is good, but let it be considered good not to decide it.

— Gilbert K. Chesterton

Fifty Shades of Grey doesn't hold a candle to the masochism fix I get from coming to work every Monday.

— Anonymous

The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

— Denis Leary

Homer, lighten up. You're making 'Happy Hour' bitterly ironic.

— Marge Simpson

Her legs gotta be a rumor cause she be spreading them everywhere

— IG:catone_2_funny

“But after dealing with Roy for a while I just wanted to get through the time I’d signed on for, to prove…

— Peter Allison

Girls fall in love for what they hear. And guys fall in love for what they see. Thats why girls where makeup…

— Anonymous

When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it…

— Dane Cook

Too much work, and no vacation, Deserves at least a small libation. So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses, Work's the…

— Oscar Wilde

Stop the mental chatter about what's wrong and what's not complete. There is a presence of Love that is seeking to express…

— Michael Beckwith

That's always been really funny to me - someone who really stridently believes that they're right when they're so wrong in, like,…

— Patti Harrison

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he…

— Frank Carson

“I’m a firm believer in equality at all times—” “At all times?” She glanced at the cuffs clipped to his leathers. “Why…

— Cherise Sinclair

“Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub”

— Josh Stern

If anyone asks how old I am, tell them it's none of their business!

— Loretta Lynn

It's never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes

— Damien Fahey

The Internet is for haters. Everyone wants to knock somebody down, but it's cool.

— Andy Cohen

It is pardonable to be defeated, but never to be surprised.

— Frederick The Great

Saying you'd make a hideous drag queen was intended to be a compliment.

— Anonymous

He that commends me to mine own content Commends me to the thing I cannot get.

— William Shakespeare

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

— Chelsea Handler

“If things do not change,in the future we may all speak spell check.”

— Tom Althouse

I oppose the Gay Pride Parade because it reminds me all the hot guys I want to sleep with are gay.

— Anonymous

A cold church is like cold butter, it doesn't spread well.

— Anonymous

I love having a boyfriend but need to be secure on my own first.

— Demi Lovato

Everybody can tell you how to do it but they never done it

— Jay-Z

The closer you can live to being a vegetarian the better.

— Gary Player

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

— Anonymous

My mother is a strong person. She's funny but volatile, with a pretty bad temper.

— Grayson Perry

I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse.

— Barack Obama

I'm over-educated in the things I shouldn't have known at all.

— Noel Coward

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

— Christina Aguilera

On the scale of Kristen Stewart to Nicki Minaj, how many facial expressions do u have?

— Anonymous

I think if actors don't think of themselves as funny in real life they think they can't do comedy.

— Ben Barnes

The so-called wake up naturally is actually woken up by the nature's call.

— Boboniu

Some people are only alive because it illigal to kill them

— Ana

However much we guard against it, we tend to shape ourselves in the image others have of us.

— Eric Hoffer