Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you're late to class and everyonestares at you like you've just killed someone. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I always dreamed about getting on TV and being part of a team - a funny ensemble. — D'Arcy Carden Copy Share Image
The happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others — Gordon B. Hinckley Copy Share Image
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. — Clarence Darrow Copy Share Image
I live by my own rules, so no-one can tell me what to do. If you do, then fuck you. — Live_Skate_Smoke Copy Share Image
“Breakfast, Noah muttered. Greasy and disgusting, said Matt. You don't want to eat it? I wasn't talking about breakfast. I was talking… — Anthony Horowitz Copy Share Image
My girlfriend told me we can not be in a relationship because we have nothing in common. I said okay but we… — Granit Mavriqi Copy Share Image
“I'm going to have to give him shit for all this,' Shane said, as he wandered around. 'He lives alone and makes… — Rachel Caine Copy Share Image
I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When she liked anyone it was quite natural for her to go to bed with him. She never thought twice about it.… — W. Somerset Maugham Copy Share Image
And I like to keep whatever is mine remaining that way. It's a funny little game to play and it's a slippery… — Kristen Stewart Copy Share Image
Sorry can't talk now. Busy licking the thick white stuff off the top of a long hard thing! WHAT?! You pervert!! I'm… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Funny thing about life is that it never turns out the way you want it to.” — S.L. Jennings Copy Share Image
Funny enough, every role that I have had, I try to tone down my accent or speak with better diction. — Djimon Hounsou Copy Share Image
The way to talk about something sad is to sing a funny song about it. — Rory O'Malley Copy Share Image
To call a king "Prince" is pleasing, because it diminishes his rank. — Blaise Pascal Copy Share Image
The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it. — Sidney Littlewood Copy Share Image
There is a light which cannot ever be extinguished. It is inside of you... It is you. — Neale Donald Walsch Copy Share Image
Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I did not want to turn to playing golf because golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards. — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
In my youth I hoped to do great things; now I shall be satisfied to get through without scandal. — Walter Bagehot Copy Share Image
Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words. — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world record — David Coleman Copy Share Image
Men are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
WHEN YOU GOING THROUGH SOMETHING YOU CANT SEE HOW FUNNY ITS GONNA BE LATER SO LAUGH NOW!! — LEONARD PAUL ROSE Copy Share Image
