Q: Does this train stop at Brighton? A: I hope so or there's going to be a hell of a splash. — Kenny Everett Copy Share Image
I dont have any exs I have whys? Yeah why in the hell did I date you!!!? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dwarves are funny. Look at them scurrying away on their stumpy little legs. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It is what a woman, leaves off, not what she puts on that gives her cachet — Paul Poiret Copy Share Image
It's not the parts of the Bible I don't know that worries me...it's the parts that I do. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I just sit ther and do what I vowed I would never do - talk back to the television. — George H. W. Bush Copy Share Image
I'm a woofer, not a tweeter; a writer, not a telegrapher; an essayist, not an aphorist. — Richard Turner Copy Share Image
This July 4th, let's celebrate our freedom to be trapped for five hours in horrifying standstill traffic — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it… — Lily Tomlin Copy Share Image
Hey, I don't know you, so this is crazy, but here's my profile, so subscribe to me maybe?Â¥ I won't accept friend… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I first became interested in women and religion when I was one of the few women doing graduate work in Religious Studies… — Carol P. Christ Copy Share Image
Are we celebrating the fact that Guy Fawkes got caught trying to blow up parliament or he tried to have a go… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Being a black woman, there's so many different sides of us. We are funny, silly, romantic, professional, smart, and we have good… — Lauren London Copy Share Image
It's funny, because when you tell people you've stopped drinking, there's an automatic reaction. People ask, 'Was it a lifestyle choice or… — Lee Mack Copy Share Image
Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Comedy is best when it's a reaction to something. When you're talking about a topic, and when your friend says something funny… — Mark Critch Copy Share Image
I'm staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I am dating, but it is hard to find someone quick enough and funny enough. I am quite demanding. — Anne Robinson Copy Share Image
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner." — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
Nothing is going to be handed to you -- you have to make things happen. — Florence Griffith Joyner Copy Share Image
We make our money out of our friends. Our enemies will not do business with us. — Elbert Hubbard Copy Share Image
Someone told me I should run for president. Dont you think that weve had enough boobs in the White House? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
When you're younger, think less and do more; when you're older, do less and think more. — John Maeda Copy Share Image
Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better. — George Mikes Copy Share Image
If a man falls down and gets up, it's funny. If he falls down and doesn't get up it's not funny. — Soupy Sales Copy Share Image
You can tell James Duthie to shove that quiz. I have a few other words I can tell you about the quiz. — John Tortorella Copy Share Image
Dear 12 year olds on Facebook, how are you in a complicated relationship?! Did they steal your cookies? — Christine Ramkran Copy Share Image
I am not really funny . I am actually mean and people think that I am joking — MLY AB Copy Share Image
There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong. — Stephen Schneider Copy Share Image
Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor." — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If I'm in an uncomfortable situation, I think I can say something funny to defuse it. Sometimes you can't. — Jack Whitehall Copy Share Image
Once you get past funny, my other qualities are so below average. It's not like I'm handy. — Seth Meyers Copy Share Image
