Clapping the longest during the assembly because you're a fearless bastard. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's not that music is too imprecise for words, but too precise… — Felix Mendelssohn Copy Share Image
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I'll do my homework in 5 mins, In 10 mins, In 30 mins, In 1 hour, FUCK, I'll just do it tomorrow.. — Crystal Jones Copy Share Image
If one official signals Falcons ball and Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson signals Seahawks ball, is it a jump ball? — Norman Chad Copy Share Image
Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or… — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
I don't know about changing my mind regarding The One-Man Band. I've always personally found him incredibly entertaining, which is one of… — Wade Barrett Copy Share Image
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
The things which the child loves remain in the domain of the heart until old age. The most beautiful thing in life… — Kahlil Gibran Copy Share Image
When you discover that all happiness is inside you, the wanting and needing are over, and life gets very exciting. — Byron Katie Copy Share Image
Boy walks in to class room: Teacher: Why are you late? Boy: I saw a sign on the way to school. Teacher:… — Nishan Panwar Copy Share Image
Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
School: An institute where the child goes to play while the parent goes to pay. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny. — Ron White Copy Share Image
If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay. — Tom Hanks Copy Share Image
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!' — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
I accused my friend of being gay yesterday... He was so angry he hit me with his purse! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Love is not what takes you by surprise and leaves you totally breathless! It's called asthma! -NeSha — Nesha Copy Share Image
Gene Richards swings, the ball bounces foul and hits him in the head. No harm done. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
One girl is a girl, two girls are half a girl, and three girls are no girl at all. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
I just faced the ultimate rejection. I was masturbating and my hand fell asleep. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
The question is not what we intended ourselves to be, but what He intended us to be when He made us. — C. S. Lewis Copy Share Image
I sleep like a baby every night. I wake up every three or four hours and cry. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We are best friends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up, after I finish laughing. — Cherrymae Esdrelon Copy Share Image
Nature has neither core nor skin: she’s both at once outside and in. — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Copy Share Image
Once anyone who has a sense of humor can do what they want, they want to do funny bits as much as… — Gavin McInnes Copy Share Image
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Those memories that you randomly remember and suddenly can't stop smiling. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Remember kids, if someone gives you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive. — Risa Schizophrenia Copy Share Image
