Police have special ability from an ice. Whenever police say 'FREEZE!!' all people that they want will frozen — Anonymous Copy Share Image
For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Happiness is being retired and spending all of my kids' inheritance before I die! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me… — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
“An educated theologian: someone who's better at rationalizing what they're pretending to know.” — Peter Boghossian Copy Share Image
“Whether we are trying to buy a packet of chips or getting to know a person for a potentially important relationship, its… — Amrita Sarkar Copy Share Image
“Morality he found amusing, in the obscure way that only a man with a Ph.D. in philosophy could find such things amusing,… — Charlie Huston Copy Share Image
My friend and I founded the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival to counter the negative images of Arabs in media. And we… — Maysoon Zayid Copy Share Image
“Jared was completely gone now, holding his stomach and laughing so hard that tears were running down his face. Matt turned on… — Marie Sexton Copy Share Image
Height of Corporate Pressure: A COMPANY employee went to TOILET. As soon as he sat on the seat,On the front wall this… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you are doing stand-up comedy, you have to be confident in what you are doing. That doesn't mean just because you… — Judah Friedlander Copy Share Image
As long as you're excited about what you're playing, and as long as it comes from your heart, it's going to be… — John Frusciante Copy Share Image
Whenever I delete an app from my iPhone, the shaking icons make me think they're panicked over who's being cut from the… — Anas Copy Share Image
How does one make a movie about decadence these days? Now that we're allowed to do it, it's too late. — Wilfrid Sheed Copy Share Image
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray! — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Me: For the first time in life, things seem to be getting better. :) Life: LOL, give me a second! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Make someone happy, Make just one someone happy, And you will be happy, too. — Jimmy Durante Copy Share Image
“Why does the world hate me?” They both laughed, but it wasn’t funny. SERIOUSLY. Why does the world hate me?” — Cora Carmack Copy Share Image
Early to bed and early to rise makes a person dull, boring, and despised. — Ernie J Zelinski Copy Share Image
There's no abhorrence about wearing M&S. We just haven't been delighting the girls. — Stuart Rose Copy Share Image
The moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over. — Amy Sedaris Copy Share Image
Certain directors have that eye where something is beautiful as well as funny. — Lolly Adefope Copy Share Image
Hey that's not fair! - A dumb bitch realizing she got bad directions to the fair. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
It is the English-speaking nations who, almost alone, keep alight the torch of Freedom. — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
Just remember, I can always make your death look like an accident. :) — Celeste Hartman Copy Share Image
Let's discuss where to put a beach chair instead of where to put a mosque. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I know of nothing more laughable than a doctor who does not die of old age. — Voltaire Copy Share Image
One can't indefinitely do for somebody what he is reluctant to do for himself. — Christopher Hitchens Copy Share Image
