Funny Quotes · Page 597

Pessimist: One who has been intimately acquainted with an Optimist.

— Elbert Hubbard

A theory may be so rich in descriptive possibilities that it can be made to fit any data.

— Phillip Johnson-Laird

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

— Garry Shandling

Dear McDonald's Cashier, Don't give me that look... Last time I checked, there was no age limit on Happy Meals.

— Anonymous

You're a part of me. I'm a part of you and we are all a part of this great nothingness.

— Frederick Lenz

Until now they have refused to do battle with us. They are just going places.

— Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Only through service and sacrifice can you become great.

— Jon Gordon

For each time you smile you will find it's true somebody, somewhere, will smile back at you.

— Helen Steiner Rice

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time…

— Chic Murray

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you…

— Anonymous

“It's hard to believe someone who walks around commanding so much attention with his acute cockiness, hard muscles, and tattoos would ever…

— Skyla Madi

REALITY OF FACEBOOK: . Kali kaluti ladki, FB name WHITE ANGEL . . Motta Genda Ladka, FB name SMARTY GUY . .…

— Hafsa

With 'Pariah,' at the time, I had just come out. I had a coming out experience, and I was writing about it,…

— Dee Rees

“sometimes when everything seems at its worst when all conspires and gnaws and the hours, days, weeks years seem wasted – stretched…

— Charles Bukowski

Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your…

— Dave Barry

Don't Take It Seriously * When the HUNTER says, Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots

— Nikhil Saluja

Making a product better often requires removing features.

— Marco Arment

On hitting a shaken opponent - His legs turned to spaghetti and I was all over him like the sauce.

— Vinny Paz

Happy Father's Day to someone who knew long before me that all the boys I brought home were jerks.

— Anonymous

Men have always been afraid that women could get along without them.

— Margaret Mead

Why do porn stars tweet pics of their kids? Factory workers don't tweet pics of their on-the-job accidents ..

— Green Monk

I may be sad now but the next time you see me I will happy knowing I'm one step closer finding MR.Right.

— Miranda

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

— Neil Simon

“Look at him,” she said, shaking her head. “Travis Maddox: Mr. Mom.”

— Jamie McGuire

Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.

— Jerry Coleman

Listen carefully, because I don't repeat myself - and if I do, I get testy.

— Laura Schlessinger

It's funny how things change slowly, until the day we realize they've changed completely.

— Nancy Gibbs

If I'm playing an Indian in a Hollywood film, I won't do it in any funny Indian accent.

— Huma Qureshi

I'm not just random. You just don't think as fast as me.

— Anonymous

This global recession has had a detrimental effect on my sex life. It's ages since I've been able to afford it.

— Anonymous

I used to be very funny, but I used it all up in my characters.

— Paul Whitehouse

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

— Mark Twain

1 Facebook friend request* 0 Mutual friends. You're not even from my country, how the hell did you find me ?!

— Anonymous

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.

— Sarah Silverman

What's funny is that you can think you really value your life until you almost lose it.

— Alan Alda

“If I go back home to Wittenberg, I'll lie down in a coffin and give the maggots a fat doctor to eat.”

— Martin Luther

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

— Ogden Nash

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

— Steve Martin

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

— George Carlin

Jack Black is so funny! On and off screen, like, he would make you laugh every day. He's hilarious.

— Caitlin Hale