Funny Quotes · Page 595

Funny, I think that the only reason I'm compared to Prince is because of my skin color.

— Velveteen Dream

Amiability is very often a weakness, but the most unobjectionable one as a rule.

— Sydney, Lady Morgan

The Turks can be killed, but they can never be conquered.

— Napoleon Bonaparte

You have to change on the inside before change will happen on the outside.

— Joel Osteen

A cigar has "...a fire at one end and a fool at the other."

— Horace Greeley

Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

— Chris Rock

I dont own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt.

— Nikhil Saluja

Women always say all men want is sex… That's a lie. We want head too.

— Amit Verma

Selena:Who says you're not perfect? Miley:Nobodys Perfect! Pink: Youre F**king Perfect... Im confused, Am I perfect or not?

— Anonymous

“So what is your middle name?" "O. That's my middle initial." "Hmmm. It's probably something hideous like Orville, that would be so…

— Willow Aster

There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our…

— Bill Maher

“She oozes the kind of over-confidence that only comes to people who wear deep red lipstick and sparkly tissue sarees in bright…

— Aditi Mathur Kumar

In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You've heard that, right? But what you don't hear is…

— Marc Maron

Car accidents usually result from one person being in too great a hurry and the other not being in a hurry at…

— Vikrant Parsai

I realized I was gay in the shower one day with Barbra Streisand. It happened while I was lathering, rinsing, and repeating…

— Ross Mathews

That funny moment when sneeze so hard it makes you fart and when people look at you funny, you look at your…

— Evan Ceaser

We have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the reservoir.

— Samuel Goldwyn

That awkward moment when... You hear a joke in someone else's conversation & accidentally laugh.

— Anonymous

I am a little afraid of giving people advice for fear that they might follow it.

— Vikrant Parsai

Remember, ladies: mouthwash is still cheaper than an abortion.

— Nikhil Saluja

Funny enough to see a fat cop runing with the bullet proof over the chest

— Dumi

Reading text messages while half asleep is like looking into the sun.

— Ritu Ghatourey

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

— Anonymous

The goal is to be the observer of your thoughts and not let your thoughts control you.

— Deepak Chopra

Delete me... Like most of y'all who can't handle what I have to say :') Dont got time for any of y'all.

— Anonymous

One must work, nothing but work, and one must have patience...

— Auguste Rodin

Only man had dignity; only man, therefore, can be funny.

— Ronald Knox

We are witnessing the criminalization of conservative politics.

— Tom DeLay

BOY: hey dad I got a girlfriend DAD: good job son!...GIRL: daddy I got a boyfriend DAD: (loads shotgun)

— Ana

We're so insecure, comedians. 'Did you laugh? Do you think I was funny?'

— Julian Barratt

Funny enough, you know who I used to really like in Lion King? It was Scar.

— Burna Boy

Make sure what you do is a product of your own conclusion.

— Jim Rohn

BASIC girls fall for any tatted nigga wearing a snapback .

— Christian Heggs

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

— David Letterman

OK, thank you Yoshi. Between you, Vladimir, and Maryse, I won't understand a word this entire season.

— Matt Striker

My road to success is blocked by a huge rocks obstacle with a big sign that says 'Twitter.com'

— Nikhil Saluja

I hope your Mother's Day is more pleasant than labor was.

— Anonymous

Do I Look like a grocery item to you?ÿ?ÿ? I see you checking me out!!

— Generose Relano

There's nothing cute or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off.

— Douglas Coupland

If there is anyone who owes everything to Bach, it is certainly God.

— Emile M. Cioran