Funny Quotes · Page 593

To heal is to touch with love that which we previously touched with fear.

— Stephen Levine

It's difficult for me to tell whether girls like me for who I am as a person. Damn my incredibly massive penis.

— Green Monk

Everybody loves classical music they just don't know about it yet.

— Benjamin Zander

I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.

— Anonymous

The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin.

— Jerry Coleman

Muhammad Ali: Superman Don't need no seat belt. Flight Attendant: Superman Don't need no airplane, either.

— Clifton Fadiman

Beware of begging God for things you don't have to have.

— James MacDonald

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriendand he's a priest.

— Erma Bombeck

How do you tell somebody how to find what they're looking for when ten years ago you came from the same place,…

— Tony Earley

When your wife says glass is half empty, don't ever pour philosophy of half empty is half full, just fill her glass…

— Adhir Amdavadi

Because my musical background is so diverse, it lends me to have very much my own style and it helps me to…

— Casey James

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on…

— Rodney Dangerfield

“[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially…

— Weston Locher

When I die I want my body to donate for research, but more specifically to a scientist who is working on bringing…

— Nikhil Saluja

“Everybody in!" I said. Which was when we discovered the final problem. Little Echos aren't designed to hold six, count them six,…

— James Patterson

“Ah my daughter. Eighteen and already you've been accused of murder, aided felons and acquired a death count higher than most guardians…

— Richelle Mead

“And a beautiful garden, not far from a beautiful lake, and I said it sounded perfectly perfect.”

— Vladimir Nabokov

Milk, Milk, Lemonade, Around the corner fudge is made!!!!!!!!!

— Peter Griffin Family Guy

I named my penis Cybertron. Because when he transforms, you are fucked.

— Anonymous

A nonsense chat makes sense when you are talking with someone special,

— Nikhil Saluja

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'

— Dylan Moran

You know I only go to church for two reasons, weddings and funerals, which one we gonna have today?

— Madea

Im the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from

— Ana Chable

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

— Chic Murray

Letting your phone ring a few times before answering so you seem busy. *Hahaha this is so me..*

— Anonymous

Volleyball is just a more intense version of 'Don't let the balloon touch the floor.'

— Anonymous

Being funny, in some ways, is about being connected to psychology.

— Noah Baumbach

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

— Scott Roeben

Agreeable as it is to know where one is proceeding, it is far more important to know where one has arrived.

— John Kenneth Galbraith

What is really momentous and all-important with us is the present, by which the future is shaped and colored.

— John Greenleaf Whittier

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.

— Nikhil Saluja

“The cybernetic operation?" "No, the sex change." The doctor's smile faltered. "I'm joking.”

— Marissa Meyer

It always rains the hardest on people who deserve the sun.

— Anonymous

I love you like Michael Jackson's innocent love for children.

— Anonymous

He who makes great demands upon himself is naturally inclined to make great demands on others.

— Andre Gide

True holiness is not achieved by what we do, but what we allow God to do in us.

— Mark Hart

I wonder if fat guys leave their shirts on when they fuck?

— Green Monk

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

— Bill Bailey

If you can't control your reproduction, you can't control your life.

— Joycelyn Elders

When someone says wow you are a pervert , look at them, smile & say it took you this long to figure that out?

— Nikhil Saluja