“When you exclude anything that is improbable, whatever is left, is not as hilarious.” — Oleg Medvedkov Copy Share Image
The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
In Washington journalists can afford to live almost as well as people who work for a living. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Not all detectives are the same - some play bad cop, some are awkward, some are funny. — Juliette Lewis Copy Share Image
If there is no absolute by which to judge society, society is absolute. — Francis Schaeffer Copy Share Image
There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it. — George W. Bush Copy Share Image
God is funny like that, He is funny. He rips your heart and He makes you believe. He makes you believe the… — Dawn Staley Copy Share Image
Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, If you listen to popular rumour; From morning to night he's so joyous and… — W. S. Gilbert Copy Share Image
I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I need more people to play Draw Something with, so add Jazzimini if you would like to play with me(: Lol, I… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I hear tapping outside my window. I don't think it's my prince to come kiss me. I think its a serial… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground.… — Charlie Sheen Copy Share Image
You always give your best and inspire others to do likewise. That you are appreciated should come as no surprise. Your kind… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A sign of intelligence is to see the One in many and find the many in One. — Sri Sri Ravi Shankar Copy Share Image
Priapism is what happens when someone gets strangulated to the point of hypoxia. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
HUSBAND, HENPECKED, A man who is so timid, he is even afraid to talk back to other people's wives — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Its funny how you can tell when someone likes someone else, but you cant tell when someone likes you. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I wish we can just send our homework to teachers so we dont get the lecture at class — Noorullah Habibzoi Copy Share Image
A priority is observed, not manufactured or assigned. Otherwise, it's necessarily not a priority. — Merlin Mann Copy Share Image
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. — J. Paul Getty Copy Share Image
Should not the Society of Indexers be known as Indexers, Society of, The? — Keith Waterhouse Copy Share Image
I don't need to know everything, I just need to know where to find it, when I need it — Albert Einstein Copy Share Image
Just realized the tooth fairy teaches us to sell our body parts for money! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The funny thing about stop signs is that they're also start signs. — Maureen Johnson Copy Share Image
The inspiration for my Vines comes from thinking about funny and relatable experiences from my daily life. — Lele Pons Copy Share Image
While we wait for God to work for us, God is waiting to work through us. — Rick Warren Copy Share Image
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Keep your friends close and your alcohol closer. Then get drunk and insult your friends. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
We just keep trying to beat every show with the funny stick until it's funny — Dan Povenmire Copy Share Image
The pyramids themselves, doting with age, have forgotten the names of their founders. — Thomas Fuller Copy Share Image
I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed. — David Mitchell Copy Share Image
