Funny Quotes · Page 596

Bitches b like long hair dont care known damn well they shit shorter than a Instagram video

— IG:Catone_2funny

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

— Demetri Martin

Customer complaints are the schoolbooks from which we learn.

— Lou Gerstner

The path may not be left for an instant. If it could be left, it would not be the path.

— Confucius

A candle burns to give brightness while a woman burns to brighten your life/personality.

— Mohd Aariff Khan

If you talk about what you believe, you will attract those who believe what you believe.

— Simon Sinek

No, indeed; I don't know anything. You see, I am stuffed, so I have no brains at all.

— L. Frank Baum

Until the wolf shall lay with lamb, we'd better be the wolves.

— Ehud Barak

The key to doing 'Harold and Kumar' movies is you make it earnest. Primarily what we do is make Harold and Kumar's…

— John Cho

When Thomas Paine showed Benjamin Franklin the manuscript of The Age of Reason, Franklin advised him not to publish it, saying, ''The…

— Anonymous

Crabbed age and youth cannot live together; Youth is full of pleasance, age full of care; Youth like the summer morn, age…

— William Shakespeare

“Barefoot and pregnant. After the ruckus last night, I suppose I wouldn't be all that shocked if you managed it," Elijah muttered…

— Lyn Gala

“I'll see when a trip's feasible. In the meantime you can sext or meme them.” “YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN,…

— Zack Morrison

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never,…

— Steven Wright

Guy's thinks that every girls dream is to find the perfect man run off with them and get married, and have a…

— Ritu Ghatourey

“It would actually constitute more than a miracle, he realised. It would take divine intervention plus luck, plus some unknown element of…

— David Baldacci

I think I gravitate towards people who express themselves in a simple and funny way.

— John Slattery

“Is a joke truly funny when we laugh at it, or is it merely some aberration of our frontal lobe?”

— Gerald Schroeder

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

— Adam Ferrara

Your life begins to change when you change something you do every day.

— John C. Maxwell

Offering Dragons quarter is no good, they regrow all their parts and come on again. They have to be killed.

— John Berryman

It was Nick Willing's intention to make 'Hatter' as sarcastically British funny as he could.

— Andrew-Lee Potts

All pictures painted inside in the studio will never be as good as the things done outside.

— Paul Cezanne

The odd things that people say to you are so much more hilarious than what you can come up with.

— Jennifer Coolidge

“A brick could be used for note delivery, from the KKK.”

— Nicole McKay

NASCAR : The most exciting sport for people who have never seen a fucking freeway.

— Nikhil Saluja

Beautifully-acted and precisely observed, ILO ILO is an amazing debut, full of heart and intelligence.

— Ang Lee

I knew nothing about farce until I read Puce a l'Oreille, and had no idea what a deadly serious business it is.

— John Mortimer

Turning a negative into a positive is an expressway to success.

— Robert Evans

May your Halloween be scarier than what's actually going on with our country.

— Anonymous

“I said alone!” He nodded in agreement. “Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It’s our way.”

— Kresley Cole

Mom: Stop lying to me! Me:Tooth fairy, easter bunny and santa *walks away like a boss*

— Brookie

Oh, so you wanna argue ? BRING IT, I GOT MY CAPS LOCK ON !

— Anonymous

I'm [going] through a mystified period of my life, where the more I learn, the less I know.

— Jean Louis

“Don't let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.”

— Michael Bassey Johnson

Student, tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath.

— Kabir

If we were good at everything we would have no need for each other.

— Simon Sinek

“I’m going to strip my way through plumber’s school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie?”

— Rebecca Murphy

After all, we are nothing more or less than we choose to reveal.

— Sylvia Plath

It's funny how life works. You end up sometimes back where you started.

— Karl Iagnemma