Funny Quotes · Page 589

When you do more than you're paid for eventually you'll be paid for more than you do.

— Zig Ziglar

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

— Anonymous

“Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.”

— Sol Luckman

I look at the NBA as a football game without the helmet.

— Tom Tolbert

At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69.

— Eugene Ormandy

We don't wear sequins because we think we're great. We wear them because we think sequins are great.

— Gram Parsons

Pretending to never get the text, from An annoying person who won't leave you alone -.-

— Anonymous

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

— Groucho Marx

“Stealing is good, honest work," Said the theif, puffing out his chest. "Well, not honest, strictly speaking," he admitted after a moment.…

— Adam Rex

Today's heat has me more hot and bothered than a lonely housewife reading Fifty Shades of Grey at a Magic Mike screening.

— Anonymous

Don't judge a book by its cover unless that book is a fucking annoying bitch who needs to be high fived in…

— Nylle

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not…

— Jimmy Carr

“It was around then that the phone rang. It was my friend Cee Cee, wanting to know if I cared to join…

— Meg Cabot

People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound.…

— Louis C. K

I've never tweeted. 'Funny or Die' started my Twitter account for me, and so I don't even have the password or anything…

— Tig Notaro

“One's 'thing'--(1) A point of personal interest; a hobby, sport, or avocation that succinctly defines a person. (2) A brief coupling of…

— Joshua Braff

Don't you think almost anything can be funny? Almost anything.

— Micah Perks

No other generation but ours can evangelize the present generation.

— John Mott

It's not drinking on the job if you weren't planning to do any work.

— Anonymous

Either you will be under the blood or you will place the blood under you.

— Adrian Rogers

If opinions are like assholes then you are like an opinion.

— Anonymous

It’s not when you press the shutter, but why you press the shutter.

— Mary Ellen Mark

The best part of your life is when your family becomes your friends and your friends become your family.

— Anonymous

There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.

— Kristen Chandler

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

— Paul R. Ehrlich

Don't live the same year seventy-five times and call it a life.

— Robin S

Humility is one of the most repulsive virtues, nearly always false.

— George Mikes

Teacher: what comes after 69? Student: mouthwash. Teacher: GET OUT!

— Anonymous

I am searching for the truth. Somewhere, it's in the music.

— Paula Cole

When resistance no longer serves you, you'll no longer have it.

— John de Ruiter

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.

— Erma Bombeck

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

— Frankie Boyle

Most men die at 25, we just don't bury them until they are 70.

— Benjamin Franklin

HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

— Nikhil Saluja

There is no place more delightful than one's own fireside. Nullus est locus domestica sede jucundior.

— Marcus Tullius Cicero

If y0u want t0 die. d0nt let others suFfer on the c0nsequences that it would bring.

— Meggy

Lf you think this page is awesome haha then you should try Keep Laughing

— Anonymous

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

— Noel Fielding

If I don't have anything to do all day, I might not even put my pants on.

— Jennifer Lawrence

The best birthdays of all are those that havent arrived yet.

— Anonymous