Funny Quotes · Page 571

Friends are people you can talk to... without words when you have to.

— Elvis Presley

Every once in a while I stop and think…WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NOT TAKEN????

— Ana

I wish my microwave had a 'stealth mode' so the people I'm living with don't know I'm having a midnight snack.

— Anonymous

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

— Joan Rivers

Life is like masterbation, you keep going until something good comes out of it

— Brandon Blease

Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.

— Duffy Daugherty

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.

— Noel Fielding

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

— Jerry M Wright

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message…

— Bill Bailey

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of…

— Dave Barry

Spending all my remaining money on a ticket to Florence was rendered needlessly complicated by the fact that none of the ticket-sellers…

— Clive James

Roses are red Violets are blue He is for me Not for you If by chance I get replaced Ill take my…

— Im Nothing

I think people make mistakes when they're on Twitter when they're trying to crack jokes, none of it's funny, and it tends…

— Michael Caputo

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody…

— Jeff Foxworthy

It's never fun to run out of gas while on a road trip, But the adventure of trying to find gas when…

— Ryan Bingham

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you…

— Mitch Hedberg

If you're playing against the Australians, you don't walk.

— Ian Botham

But I've never looked at myself as being particularly funny

— Tea Leoni

The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

— Dave Barry

GUY: I know how to please a women ME: oh yeah, then please leave me alone

— Ana

“I believe great things are ahead for each of us. Now we just have to go ahead and create them.”

— Tom Althouse

The absurd has meaning only in so far as it is not agreed to.

— Albert Camus

Alright I Just Got Back So What Do You Guys Wanna Do? Game? Quotes? Outfits? Pictures?

— Anonymous

I don't get a chance to be funny on camera as often as I would like.

— William Sadler

Probably the most dangerous and powerful industrialist of our age. [About Bill Gates]

— Scott McNealy

I’ve never considered joining Twitter, nor do I know why anybody would.

— Nick Saban

I don't believe in reincarnation, and I didn't believe in it when I was a hamster.

— Shane Richie

I was never coached; I was never told how to hold a bat.

— Donald Bradman

I don't look for [comedic moments] actually, I just live my life.

— Gerry Dee

If you don't stand for something, you stand for nothing.

— Mel Thompson

Some People Just Need A High-Five . . . . . In A Face With A Chair -,-

— Anonymous

We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.

— Bobby Robson

HUSBAND, SMART, One who thinks twice before saying nothing;

— Nikhil Saluja

The reason I'm writing funny books is that I wish there were more.

— Christopher Moore

“Seize something wonderful; don't lose your chance waiting for it to become legal.”

— Bauvard

Argue for your limitations and, sure enough, theyre yours.

— Anonymous

If you read love quotes, either it will hit you or you will remember someone

— Anonymous

Don't Take It Seriously * When the DENTIST says, Open wide.

— Nikhil Saluja

There isn't a lot I can do on this planet, but I can be funny.

— Leslie Jordan

Well, the funny thing is, you are never the same person that you were the day before.

— Jon Foreman