They should really replace, I now pronounce you man and wife with FINISH HIM!! (mortal combat music blasting) — Green Monk Copy Share Image
LOVE, A situation which happens when you think almost as much of another as you do of yourself; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Being divorced is an extremely useful way to fool women into believing you're capable of commitment. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Pretty people don't keep comedies on the air. Funny people keep comedies on the air. — Allison Jones Copy Share Image
“...space flight still had a long way to go to catch up with the safety record of the milkshake industry.” — Kevin Fong Copy Share Image
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
If it takes you more than an hour to get ready,… you probably aren't as cute as you think you are — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I went through in the edits and cut tons of stuff that was "funny" because if it wasn't funny at the time,… — Damian Barr Copy Share Image
“There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“I thought you came down right on the side of go directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect two… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
My philosophy is that if you're playing a moment truthfully, that it's a funny moment, then hopefully it will be funny. I… — Peter Vack Copy Share Image
Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“If this happened in a Fae marriage, then the female would beat the male into submission. If she is too small to… — Sophie Oak Copy Share Image
Catch-22' is the big daddy of funny war novels. It's capacious and occasionally rambling. It's a bible of literate comedy: you can… — Jesse Armstrong Copy Share Image
