Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Just because you got the monkey off your back doesnt mean the circus has left town. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use?… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Were having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, were having a swan. You get more stuffing. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
