Comedy Quotes

2637 quotes by 1393 authors

What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and… — Alan Carr
I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration. — Aziz Ansari
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception. — Chelsea Handler
On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed. — Russell Brand
On his teenage son: To be honest, I'm not sure the same kid comes home each night. — John Bishop
What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester? — Jim Norton
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. — Daniel Tosh
As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex. — Kristen Schaal
A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. — Mitch Hedberg
For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies. — Bo Burnham
How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend? — Russell Brand
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid… — Greg Giraldo
I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a… — Ellen DeGeneres
What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say,… — Robert Schimmel
I'm just looking for a little mystery in life... like things you can't explain. Like, you go to Mexico, they tell you don't drink the… — Ted Alexandro
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it. — Tim Vine
We had 1 book, the phone book, I've read it, it wasn't a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish… — Stephen K. Amos
If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers. — Russell Howard
I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school... who failed math. — Dat Phan
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there! — Rodney Dangerfield

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,393 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: