Comedy Quotes

2637 quotes by 1393 authors

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty." — Jimmy Carr
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God,… — Ellen DeGeneres
Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead? — Jack Whitehall
I am two lesbians in a man's body. — Eddie Izzard
I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time. — Gabriel Iglesias
I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?' — Gabriel Iglesias
There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD! — Eddie Izzard
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns. — Dara O Briain
Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even… — Eddie Izzard
I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you.… — Eddie Murphy
I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore… — Gabriel Iglesias
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest." — Jimmy Carr
You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for… — Louis C. K.
I think the English are bipolar. 'We're the greatest, no we're terrible' - that's a constant English struggle. Crime is down, there's little poverty -… — Dara O Briain
I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich. — Dara O Briain
When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me. — Noel Fielding
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy… — Demetri Martin
I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them. — Sarah Silverman
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he… — Mitch Hedberg
You exaggerate your own reactions. — Dylan Moran

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,393 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: