Comedy Quotes

2637 quotes by 1393 authors

When someone close to you dies, move seats. — Jimmy Carr
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed... into my mouth. — Louis C. K.
People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick? — Jimmy Carr
I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour. — Richard Pryor
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with… — Noel Fielding
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem. — Jimmy Carr
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult… — Demetri Martin
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. — Rita Rudner
Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't. — Bo Burnham
Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt. — Louis C. K.
I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times. — Jack Whitehall
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she… — Jimmy Carr
Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until you killed them… — Eddie Izzard
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house... — Daniel Tosh
Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously? — Jim Jefferies
Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20. — Dylan Moran
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm...… — Demetri Martin
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in… — Demetri Martin
Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 gibberish. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You" — Eddie Izzard
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray! — Jimmy Carr

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,393 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: