Comedy Quotes

2637 quotes by 1393 authors

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality."… — Bill Cosby
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot! — Rodney Dangerfield
I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered… — Bill Engvall
We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear. — Amy Schumer
My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts. — Carl Barron
This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it. — Jack Whitehall
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard — Bill Bailey
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks. — Zach Galifianakis
Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old? — Whitney Cummings
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which… — Frankie Boyle
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up… — Sam Kinison
They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags. — Frankie Boyle
I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look… — Frankie Boyle
I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it. — Jack Handey
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol — Jimmy Carr
This is a pie chart about procrastination. — Demetri Martin
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache. — Katt Williams
My iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen, frustrated, and underused, like a wife who gave up… — Dara O Briain
There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes. — Garrison Keillor
We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts. — George Lopez

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,393 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: