Comedy Quotes

2637 quotes by 1393 authors

I've got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I'm the only person who ever tried that. — Adam Sandler
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway. — Chelsea Handler
'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!' — Russell Howard
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? — Eddie Izzard
I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All… — Dylan Moran
I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it. — Eddie Izzard
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis… — Eddie Izzard
When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed. — Bo Burnham
So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be… — Russell Howard
Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!" — Eddie Murphy
In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool. — Bo Burnham
Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling. — Eddie Izzard
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything… — Billy Connolly
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all. — Mitch Hedberg
Babies aren't dishwasher-safe. — Daniel Tosh
You look like a horse in a man costume — Dylan Moran
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no. — Bo Burnham
I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I'd gone to Africa I would have got poached. — Alan Carr
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. — Daniel Tosh
"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress." — Greg Giraldo

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,393 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: