Comedy Quotes

2637 quotes by 1344 authors

The great thing about 'The Office' and it being single-camera and the documentary style is that it's mostly a comedy, but 10 percent of it… — Rainn Wilson
I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before and, to be honest with you I wanted to see a blue… — Adam Sandler
One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a… — Adam Ferrara
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and… — Dane Cook
I'm at a very frustrating point in my career because I'm not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you're in movies or TV, you're rich.… — Aries Spears
I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that. — Adam Carolla
Ladies Commit, There's A Wedding In It For You. — Aries Spears
British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death — John Oliver
I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn't quite master the bulimia. — Russell Brand
When you bump into your own mom at an orgy, it's hard not to get her to read into certain things. — Russell Brand
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out. — Mike Birbiglia
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive! — Rodney Dangerfield
I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies - and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta… — Ted Alexandro
What is wrong with me i just bought a bag of weed from an infant. — Dave Chappelle
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run. — Milton Jones
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We… — Milton Jones
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better — Milton Jones
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs. — Milton Jones
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family. — Milton Jones
Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How… — Ellen DeGeneres

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,344 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: