Comedy Quotes

2637 quotes by 1393 authors

How the hell do you wake up dead? — Kevin Hart
I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises. — Ellen DeGeneres
I got my start in silent radio. — Bob Monkhouse
Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass. — Jim Carrey
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish. — Mitch Hedberg
I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not… — Ellen DeGeneres
Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes… — Dylan Moran
My baby is weird man... when he get mad, he gets in the oven. — Kevin Hart
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take… — Zach Galifianakis
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean. — Zach Galifianakis
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. — Jerry Seinfeld
Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago! — Bill Cosby
I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out. — Robin Williams
No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea.… — Eddie Izzard
Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks! — Dave Chappelle
I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator. — Dave Chappelle
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet. — Doug Stanhope
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do. — Doug Stanhope
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating. — Doug Stanhope
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!' — Russell Howard

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,393 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: