Comedy Quotes

2637 quotes by 1393 authors

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!" — Daniel Tosh
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing. — Louis C. K.
My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls… — Noel Fielding
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident. — Jimmy Carr
Even in name, he seems like a Victorian oddity. "Igor, fetch 'the Crouch' from the catacombs, we're going to the graveyard". — Russell Brand
Nostalgia is heroin for old people. — Dara O Briain
Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop — Dylan Moran
Amy Winehouse - her surname's beginning to sound like a description of her liver. — Russell Brand
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea. — Jimmy Carr
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music". — Demetri Martin
That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever? — Adam Carolla
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues" — Demetri Martin
Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure. — Katt Williams
Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two. — Louis C. K.
A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big. — Katt Williams
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps? — Russell Brand
He has a 5 year plan... What is it, don't die? — Adam Sandler
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!' — Demetri Martin
I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon. — Hannibal Buress

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,393 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: