Comedy Quotes

2637 quotes by 1389 authors

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. — Emo Philips
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself. — Hannibal Buress
I don't want want to go to jail, I'm fragile. — Adam Sandler
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know… — Adam Carolla
And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way. — Eddie Izzard
I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked.… — Adam Carolla
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die. — Bill Bailey
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey,… — Daniel Tosh
We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it. — Hannibal Buress
I call my balls the bush twins. — Zach Galifianakis
American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it. — Bill Bailey
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he… — Zach Galifianakis
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course… — Bill Engvall
It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide. — Bill Bailey
I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.' — Amy Schumer
Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty. — Amy Schumer
When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And… — Alan Carr
This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with… — Craig Ferguson
I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to… — Adam Carolla
Comedy is something that I'm definitely looking to get into. I had a little taste of it and I do intend on going to classes… — Ashley Greene

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,389 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: