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Big Quotes by Jack Handey
- I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get…
- I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
- Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my…
- If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it,…
- I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they…
- Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and…
- I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant…
- Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness is when he…
- Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going…
- Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that…
- Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has…
- To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between,…
- If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't…
- You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just…
- If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get…
- People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field…
- I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he…
- The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor-through some kind…
- I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!
- I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.
- It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a…
- Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull…
- If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort…
- I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long white beard, a…
More Big Quotes
- I can honestly say - and it's a big surprise to me - that I have never had a dream about being… — Neil Armstrong
- If you are careful with people, they will offer you part of themselves. That is the big secret. — Eve Arnold
- I had some big ups and downs when I was in my 20s and the one thing I learned was, no matter… — Darren Aronofsky
- These big-package releases. There should be a cute name for them. — Julian Assange
- I just wish the world was twice as big and half of it was still unexplored. — David Attenborough
- Apart from anything else, I am designed by evolution, like we all are: if we see a little thing like that, big… — David Attenborough
- I have a big following among the biogeeks of this world. Nobody ever puts them in books. — Margaret Atwood
- For better or worse, zoos are how most people come to know big or exotic animals. Few will ever see wild penguins… — Diane Ackerman
- I've always been a big fan of science fiction and of the worlds of the spiritual and the mystic. — Dan Aykroyd
- In some places women have all the rights they deserve and in others there are big restrictions - in some countries they… — Michelle Bachelet
- Small business is the backbone of our economy. I'm for big business, too. But small business is where the jobs are generated. — Michele Bachmann
- I want my candidacy for the presidency of the United States to stand for a moment when we the people, stand once… — Michele Bachmann