W.C. Fields Quotes

195 quotes in 1650 categories

• After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
• My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
• You can't cheat an honest man.
• Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else…
• I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
• Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
• I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
• Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
• I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
• I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
• I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
• I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
• Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
• It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
• I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I don't know; it's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
• I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
• It was a woman who drove me to drink -- and, you know, I never even thanked her.
• I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
• A wonderful drink, wine. . . . Did you ever hear of an Italian grape crusher with athlete's foot?.
• A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight

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