W.C. Fields Quotes

195 quotes in 1650 categories

• First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
• The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never…
• So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
• We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is always placed on…
• The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
• I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
• My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
• A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
• The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands…
• Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
• I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
• On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
• I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
• I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what…
• When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
• W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.
• It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
• If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names…
• I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.
• Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

Browse W.C. Fields Quotes by Category