W.C. Fields Quotes

195 quotes in 1650 categories

• Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
• A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
• You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
• I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
• Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
• Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
• If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
• Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
• I like children - fried.
• It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
• Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
• Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
• Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
• A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
• Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
• There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
• Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
• The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
• The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
• Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

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