W.C. Fields Quotes

195 quotes in 1650 categories

• I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
• The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign…
• The best thing to break is a contract.
• No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries.…
• There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot…
• To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof…
• If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
• Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
• I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
• There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
• I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
• Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
• Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
• All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
• I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
• Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
• The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
• Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!
• No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
• Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his…

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