W.C. Fields Quotes
- I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful;…
- Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
- During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
- Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
- I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
- I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
- It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
- Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing…
- Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.
- A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
- Never work with animals or children.
- I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's…
- I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
- I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
- Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
- A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.
- Never mind what I told you--you do as I tell you.
- It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.
- California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
- What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.