Milton Berle

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's…

— Milton Berle

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

— Milton Berle

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

— Milton Berle

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

— Milton Berle

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

— Milton Berle

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

— Milton Berle

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

— Milton Berle

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

— Milton Berle

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

— Milton Berle

The best ears of our lives.

— Milton Berle

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high…

— Milton Berle

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.

— Milton Berle

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

— Milton Berle

“The only place success comes before is in the dictionary”

— Milton Berle

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

— Milton Berle

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

— Milton Berle

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

— Milton Berle

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

— Milton Berle

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said,…

— Milton Berle

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make…

— Milton Berle

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

— Milton Berle

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

— Milton Berle

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.

— Milton Berle

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen.…

— Milton Berle

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

— Milton Berle