The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers,… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
