On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her.… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers,… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
