“Weeping willows always remind me of summer. And sadness. Please stop crying sweet tree.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When all the trees are dead, I’ll be there, drinking freshly squeezed orange juice.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a tree, though I’m not a shady character. I’m like a tree in winter.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If trees had love, instead of leaves, I’d gladly rake you into a pile on my lawn and fall into you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll see a tree and be reminded of her. So I’ll have to go have sex with that tree.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite tree is the Joshua tree, which is named after me. Well, it will be, once I change my name to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I told the tree it was going nowhere in life. It was hurtful, but true. Now, maybe in death it will go… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A tree once saved my life. A posse was going to hang me, but this wise old oak would not let them.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Only a friend or a giraffe would stick his neck out for you. But only a giraffe would eat all the leaves… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There is one tree in Gainesville I call "Grandfather" because it looks like a giant Bonsai tree. Well, that and I actually… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I planted a tree. You’d think my neighbors would be happy for the shade it would provide them, but no, they said… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm sort of a girly guy in that I love cats, rainbows, sunsets, flowers, trees, and sex. But not sex with trees.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After a long day of screaming at the trees, I smell like a skyscraper. Would you care to ride on my elevator… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I write about the forest, sometimes I write about the trees, and occasionally I’ll write about the lumberjack. Actually, the lumberjack… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I show up at a networking event, I’m like a tree in a forest. Sure, I look like everybody else, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
