“You won’t ever catch me wearing an oven mitt, because what’s wrong with a regular condom? If I’m wearing an oven mitt,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“4:00 am—it’s not too early to drink wine, it’s too late. Too late by seven minutes. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My name is Mr. Potatohead, and I’m looking for my wife. But I fear I’m too late, and that she’s already part… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All drivers run red lights the same way—with a glance in the rearview mirror to see if a cop saw them. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
