“I want to have five or six wives, and a few dozen sheep, all for my pleasure. I should be a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d make a great politician. I’d make it out of pig shit, so it wouldn’t be as foul as it is now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I thought I ran over a politician’s dog, but when I discovered it was his wig, I was disappointed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a man’s a constant hand-shaker, he must be a politician or a crook—or both, if he is a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as food for thought. Every politician should chew on that. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It is possible to be a retard and a politician. In fact, it’s almost a prerequisite.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could deliver the zeitgeist through the thick skull of a politician faster than any letter or email. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t break wind—I repair it. I am the anti politician, because when one speaks, he farts through his mouth, and the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I say eek to Zeke Ekez, the imaginary palindrome politician of my dreams. He looks like me, talks like me, and thinks… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A burial should be more than a fire pit, arena seating, and a squirming politician strapped to a pile of wood. There… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Let’s all roll up our sleeves and get back to work. Or let’s create jobs where other people roll up other people’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Let’s say you’re a politician. You’re still you, but you are an elected official. In other words, in this scenario, you get… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to be a politician because I like the idea of public service. Come on, who wouldn’t want all the people… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not only did I not get it done, but I’m over budget too. I’m like a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, thats just what Ill do. Its this kind of regard for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I hear a politician has died in a car accident, I think, “How tragic! Even if the car suffered only a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m asleep I’m a politician, and when I’m awake I’m a criminal. Throughout the day and night, my mentality never changes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
