No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think it keeps the child alive in me. There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Suddenly, I was thirty, very unhappy entertaining people in their forties, and here came a group of people in their teens and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you dropped me off a space platform onto the ground where a line was drawn, I would fall to the left… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
